The Wondering
by DelicateFuckingFlower
Summary: "I know bubba, I miss him too." Sitting on the ground cross legged, I spoke to my stomach. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face as I thought of everything Jace had missed over the last 6 months. One-shot


**The Wondering**

 **Hey Humans! So this is something I've been thinking about the last couple of nights, and I finally wrote it out! Let me know what you think!**

"I know bubba, I miss him too." Sitting on the ground cross legged, I spoke to my stomach. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face as I thought of everything Jace had missed over the last 6 months.

Every kick…

Every ultrasound…

Every craving…

Everything.

With a quick pat on the spot bubba just assaulted, I got back to work on converting the retreat just off the bedroom back into a nursery. It was the little flutter in my chest whilst looking at our wedding photo that sent him into a frenzy last time. So I tried to not study them too deeply as I moved them off the cupboards and walls. Making way for the flat-packs that were delivered earlier today. So far I had put that mission off until tomorrow but I had a feeling I wouldn't be sleeping tonight, so who knows.

"Mummmaaaaaa!" And queue the mumma duties. Glancing at the clock as I made my way into her room. I saw it was quarter to eleven, and since her bed time was three hours ago I could only assume it was a nightmare that had awoken my three year old. The way her face was all scrunched up as I entered her room was confirmation.

The second she saw me she reached her arms up, waiting to be cocooned in mine. I didn't hesitate, wrapping her up as I took a seat in the castle Jace had custom built for her second birthday. Of course she had only been able to sleep in it the last couple of months, which Jace hadn't been around to witness of course…

"What happened baby? What's wrong?" she was still too worked up to speak yet so I just gently rocked her side to side as she calmed down. What finally got her to forget about her tears was the tiny nudge from my abdomen against her hand as she hugged me.

She finally looked up at me with wonder in her eyes. It never ceased to amaze me when I stared at my daughter, who was the spitting image of me, except for her eyes of course, which she got from her father. Brushing back her waist length curls, I tried to find the source of her distress.

"Was dat my bruver?" her childlike innocence took my breath away every time.

There was nothing more I could ask for from my child. Nothing at all. It seemed her nightmare was all but forgotten. "Yeah baby, that was him. He just wanted to make sure you're ok."

"Uh huh, I'm ok. Fanks bruver!" she pushed her face into my stomach as she attempted to communicate with her sibling. She just got cuter every minute I was with her.

"Alright, alright, enough talking. It's time for you to get back to sleep baby. C'mon lay down." She seemed fine and happy, but the second I attempted to extricate her from my lap, she tensed up. Throwing the full force of her golden gaze on me, she explained what had caused me to come running into her room. I was hoping she had forgotten the nightmare and would go straight to sleep. Wishful thinking I guess.

"I had a bad dream mumma." She mustered up all the seriousness a three year old could.

It was such an effort to hold back my smile. "Did you baby? What happened? Tell mumma."

"It was about daddy." I couldn't help it. I automatically tensed, I just prayed she didn't feel it.

"What about daddy baby?"

"I was being chased by a demon and you and daddy were chasing it, but it got me and daddy was too far away. It was scary mumma."

I pulled her back into my arms, even tighter than before. "Sweetie look at me. That will never happen. Remember what daddy always told you?"

"Uh huh. He said 'eben if we can't find heaben.' But he's not here mumma." She didn't sound sad. She was just speaking the truth. It hurt even more.

"I'm here. I'll always be here. I know daddy's not here right now, but you are never alone baby. And nothing will ever happen to you. You know that don't you?"

It was the most important thing in the world right now, that she understood me.

"Uh huh. You protect me won't ya mumma?"

"Always baby, always!" there was no answer truer than that.

"Fanks mumma. Hey mumma?" And she was over that fear…moving on.

As I answered her, I slowly released our grip on each other and I laid her back down. Shifting my hand to now rub slow circles into her back, hoping to induce sleep.

"Yes darling?" I had a feeling this question would be good.

"Did you hunt with daddy when I was in your tummy?"

"Aww only for a little bit, then daddy made me stay home where he knew I was safe, and that you couldn't get hurt. Why?"

"Cause you hunted before daddy went away, and Aunty Izzy still went hunting when she had Jordan in her tummy. Why don't you?"

There was no way I was getting out of this one. "Well baby, I would never hunt when daddy went away, because I wanted to stay with you. And then I found out I was going to have another baby so I decided to stop hunting." I was praying that was enough detail to satisfy her for tonight.

"Ok." Just like that, she was done, I could see her eyelids drooping. She would be out of it any second now. Three more rotations and she was out. Before she could wake back up with another question. I planted a kiss on her forehead and made a hasty retreat.

Stepping back into my room I closed the door behind me before leaning against it. Without my knowledge, my thumb attacked my ring finger, twisting my engagement ring around and around. It was the fourth rotation that I cracked.

With a force I had forgotten I was capable of, I pegged my ring across the room, relishing in the satisfying clink it made against the opposite wall. "YOU STUPID SELFISH BASTARD!" I took a second to thank the soundproofing of the house before I attempted to rip my hair out as I replayed the last 6 months on repeat.

My anger lasted all of five minutes before I was on my hands and knees searching for it. My actions brought me back to that moment three years earlier when I thought I had lost it during the fight, but it just turned out my incredibly thoughtful and loving husband had just cleaned it for me…I had once again reached the level of world's biggest bitch. The second I found it, I replaced it on my finger. Once I was upright again I reached for the phone, dialling before I realised what I was doing.

It went to voicemail of course. "Hey you've reached Jace, I'm a bit busy right no- Jace! Stop it! - I'll call you back when I can! - Jac- Or not!" I hung up before the beep.

The next number I called rang three times before I was met with a way too peppy Izzy. "Clary! How are you sweets! Why are you still awake?! What's wrong?! Do I need to come over?!" I tried to calm her down before she turned up at my door.

"Hey! No, I'm fine! Promise! I didn't realise how late it was, I'm sorry." Glancing over at the clock I realised it was already eleven thirty. I was never normally up this late.

"Oh thank god! So what's going on?"

"Not much, Lottie just had a nightmare, so I was up with her, I'm also trying to find the motivation to set up the nursery, what about you? How is everyone?" my voice didn't even crack. Go me!

"Aww poor baby, what was it about? Is she ok?" her concern was more than adorable.

"The same things I guess all Shadowhunter children dream about. She was getting chased by a demon and Jace and I didn't get there fast enough, she then got into a line of questioning about why I don't hunt. Was a long trip aha."

"Aww yeah, I remember those, ooh what did you tell her?"

This is what I needed, friendly gossip and mucking around. "That I was pregnant haha, but then she said that you hunted when you were pregnant with Jordan, so why don't I? For a three year old she is way too perceptive! I blame Jace! I just told her that I wanted to stay with her and make sure bub didn't get hurt, especially with Jace not being here."

The line was silent for a little bit, the way it always got when we discussed his absence. "Babe…" I cut her off before she could say anymore.

"Nah its fine, she accepted it, rolled over and went straight to sleep. It's fine."

"Clary, you know he wouldn't have gone if he had had a choice. Especially if he knew about bub."

"I know, I know…it's just…it's been 6 months! W any contact! I have to be realistic. I have a family to think about. I can't just sit around.

"I know babe, just don't forget that he did it for you. For your family."

I didn't, couldn't hear this right now. "I have to go, I'll talk to you later."

"No Clary wai-"I didn't let her finish her sentence before I hung up. This was all just too much. Way way too much to handle right now.

So with one of Jace's shirts still on, my hair unwashed and my teeth unbrushed, I climbed into bed and let sleep overtake me immediately.

 _Jace and I were pulled out of our attack by our three year old by the sound of the phone ringing. With a quick kiss to my forehead he got up and answered it. Only a few words were exchanged before he left the room with a frown marring his forehead. I quickly followed him to the bedroom to see him changing into his hunting gear._

" _Jace? What's going on?"_

 _He smoothed his features into a loving expression, but I saw through it. "Quick hunt, nothing bad, I'll be back before you know It." he placed another kiss to my forehead before heading off to fill his bag with gear from the wardrobe._

 _I sat on the bed watching him as he went through the details of the trip. It was nothing too bad, few reports of disturbances, a few mundanes caught in the crossfire. Nothing too big. He would be back by the time I woke up._

I woke up gasping for breath. That was the last night I had seen my husband. It had been over 180 days since I had run my fingers through his hair, looked into his eyes, kissed his lips, had his arms wrap themselves around me.

Once I had finally pulled myself together. I got on with my day. This wasn't the first time I had had that nightmare and it wouldn't be the last.

My day flew by in a haze of giggles and glitter, something Magnus insisted on giving my daughter every month since she went through it so quickly. Catching my breath after the ninth round or 'ring-a-rosy' I fell back into the lounge cushions as I watched her prance around the room. Getting lost in memories of the past.

"Mumma…mumma…mummmmaaa…mummmaaaaaaaa!" I was dragged out of my thoughts by my daughter climbing on my lap, begging for attention.

I had to grab her before she fell, then she had to get comfortable before she could continue, that itself took a minute. Finally when she was ready she set her golden gaze on me. "Alright, you've got my full attention baby, what's up?"

"Nuffin, I just missed ya." She wrapped her arms around my stomach the best she could. It was beyond adorable. "How long until he gets out of your tummy mumma?"

"He'll be here in three months."

"How long is that?"

"Umm, ninety days."

"How long is that?"

"Umm, when summer gets here."

"How long is that?"

"A very long time, how about that?"

"Uhk, how long til daddy gets back?"

I held my breath as I tried to figure out what to tell her. I didn't know what to say. He had been gone so long, there was radio silence, Magnus couldn't track him anywhere, no matter what spell he used. The Lightwoods had used the last six months to mourn their brother and son and uncle. But I had kept my daughter away from all of that. And here she was asking the question I went to sleep every night thinking. The worst part was, not only did I not know when he was coming back, but the much more important question was _if_ he was ever coming back. He was a shadowhunter. The lived their lives in a constant state of danger, I came into that world with none of those beliefs and was raising my daughter on a mixture of Jace and I. if it had of been me that was gone, Jace would have sat her down and told her the truth, that I had gone on a hunting trip and hadn't returned home. Something Shadowhunters dealt with every day. But I was not Jace, and I may be a shadowhunter, but I'm different.

She was still staring at me, waiting for the answer to her question. So I did what I do best. I brought Jace and me together. "Baby, I don't know when daddy is coming back."

"But he said he would be home soon? He promised to take us for ice-cream when he got back, and I realllyyyy want some mumma."

"When daddy went hunting, he had to go far away, and on his way home he got a little lost."

"Can't he find us mumma?"

"No he can't right now baby. But, I know your father, better than I know myself actually, and I know if there is any chance he can get back to us, he will try."

"Even if he can't find heaven." And just like that she tore my heart out of my chest. My three year old was staring up at me with all the love and seriousness of a toddler, and I couldn't answer her. "Say it mumma, you have to finish it." she whispered the last part to me, not taking her gaze off me.

I couldn't talk though, they weren't my words. She was still waiting though. And no matter what, my children came first. I tried to keep the tears out of my voice. "He'll walk through hell for you." I nearly made it all the way through before my voice cracked, I just hoped she hadn't heard it.

"For us mumma." And that's when I lost it. I couldn't hold it in any longer, so with my daughter in my lap, wrapping her arms around me as tight as she could. I cried for the man I missed. Praying he really was just lost, I couldn't even think of the other alternative.

Charlotte only let a few tears fall before she wiped them away with a kiss. Here she was, being stronger than I ever could. Eventually we just ended up sitting on the lounge, I was running my fingers through her hair as we both drifted in and out of consciousness. It was obvious she needed me as much as I needed her right now. All this emotion had worn her out, so I quickly placed her into her bed and made my way back to my room. _Our room._

I was too awake to sleep, so I finally got to work on unwrapping the boxes and setting up the nursery. I had gotten everything unwrapped when I finally decided to give up for the night. There are many things I can do. I can entertain a child whilst cooking, I can create runes out of nothing, I can distract Izzy whilst I secretly fix her dinner, I can make Jace blush. But I cannot put furniture together to save my life. And right now, I was too tired and lonely to care. Plus it seemed my bed got comfier every night.

Closing my eyes I prayed the morning would bring something better.

It felt like only minutes later that I was awoken by a rustle on the bed behind me. I felt the mattress dip as it took on the weight. Before I could fully understand what was happening, I was yanked back into a solid mass behind me, my back to their front.

For the first time in six months I felt properly warm in this bed. I held my breath as his arms cocooned me, filling every part of my soul with their warmth. His hands came to rest on my swollen stomach "Well this was definitely not here when I left."

 **So? Love it? Hate it? Kill it with fire?**

 **Let me know!**

 **So this one is sort of set post Late Night Confessions, did anyone get the reference? Anyway please tell me what you think! I always need critisicim! I want to do stuff you guys enjoy!**

 **Later Humans! Mwah**


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